I was sitting at my desk after a meeting at work. Stewing, annoyed, irritated.

“I can’t believe he said that.

How could he even think about justifying it like that?

We’re missing the point. We’re gonna fail.

There’s no way this is gonna work. Why are we doing it this way?”

We’d already made the decision, but I couldn’t concentrate. I had work to do, but everytime I started working, my mind would go back to the argument going on in my head.

“You can’t justify it like that.

What about all the other pieces we’re missing?

If we do it like this, we’re gonna pay for it in all these other areas.”

It was frustrating. It was hard to concentrate. It was hard to think.

This distracted state went on for the rest of my day. It followed me on my drive home. It popped into my head while I showered. It kept me up when I was about to sleep.

“Was he really being serious?

I can’t BELIEVE…

I should’ve said THIS instead. And then he would’ve said THIS, and then I would’ve said THIS.”

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This is the mind lost in thought. Not present.

It happens when we get frustrated. Or when something upsets us.

We get stuck in our heads. We replay arguments and times we failed.

Sometimes, we can snap out of it and come back to reality.

Other times, we get lost in the story and can’t stop thinking about the person and how STUPID of an argument it was.

It’s draining. We lose energy. And it’s tiring.

But there’s good news. You can learn how to get out of your head. 

It’s learnable. Trainable.

I used to worry about everything. Work, family, life. Relationships. The past and the future.

It made life stressful, and I was tired all the time.

Over time, I got better at being present. I worried less. I spent less time in my head, which made me stress less, which then gave me more energy to spend on important things — like friends and family and life.

It made life feel easier and lighter. It made me feel easier and lighter.

If you’re a constant worrier or you’re constantly in your head, try these methods the next time you’re stuck.

Method #1: Rest with the breath

The next time you find your brain spiraling out of control, stop.

1. Take a few slow breaths, and bring your attention to what your breath feels like — the physical sensation of your breath. This might be in your nose, your nostrils, or anywhere in your body you feel your breath. Throat, chest, and belly work too. Wherever you feel it the strongest. Go slow.
2. Do this for 3 full breaths. For the entire duration of the in breath — all the way to the top of the breath — AND for the entire duration of the out breath — all the way back down to the bottom of the breath. 3 times. You can close your eyes if it helps.

When you do this, two things happen:

1. The slow breathing stimulates your vagus nerve, which activates a part of your nervous system related to relaxation.
2. You focusing your attention on breathing activates your task positive network (TPN), which makes it difficult for your wandering mind (DMN) to keep spiraling out of control. (More on the TPN/DMN relationship here and here.)

In simplified terms:

If you can breathe slowly and get your attention to focus onto your breath, your relaxation response kicks in AND your mental chatter shuts off momentarily.

Double stress-relief.

…until your focus slips and thoughts come rushing into your brain again.

That’s fine. Start again.

It takes practice. It’s a skill.

This is a muscle that you build over time.

Once you get good at it, you can use it on demand for any stressful situation in your life.

Method #2: Watch (and name) the thoughts

If you find a thinking loop taking you out of the present moment:

1. Stop.
2. Take 1 slow breath, bringing your attention to what your breath feels like for the entire inhale and the entire exhale.
3. Bring your attention to your thoughts.
4. Name the emotions that are present. (“Hey, there are thoughts of anger going on in my head.” Or “Ah, this is anxiety.”)

When people name an emotion, they decrease activity in a part of the brain that influences emotions. This decreases the power of the emotion.

From the article:

“When asked to label the emotion, however, the subjects show less activity in the amygdala, and greater activity in a region of the right frontal lobe known as the right ventrolateral prefrontal cortex (rvlPFC), a region involved in vigilance and discrimination. In effect, assessing and naming an emotion seems to transform the emotion into an object of scrutiny, thereby disrupting its raw intensity. “

Less emotional intensity = free up your thinking power = more attention for the present moment.

Method #3: Feel into the body

Your thoughts are one place emotions will show up. Your body is another.

Whenever you experience an emotion, you experience sensations in your body at the same time.

This could be in your face or your chest. Or your breathing might quicken or your face will flush. These are the signals that tell us when an emotion is taking over.

The next time an emotion is stopping you from being present:

1. Bring your attention to your body. Close your eyes if it helps.
2. Find 2-3 strong sensations.
3. Rest your attention there. Don’t suppress or clench or push anything away.
4. Watch the sensations with as much curiosity as you can. They’ll change. Let them change.
5. The sensations will evolve over time. Let them evolve.
6. If you can focus your attention onto the sensations for 90 seconds or longer (without suppressing them or trying to change them), the sensations will eventually dissipate, along with the emotion.

This technique is similar to Chade-Meng Tan’s SBNRR and Luc Nicon’s Tipi. It’s no coincidence. The body is a common tool for emotional regulation.

Method #4: So listen

This last method is unintuitive, but try it and you might be surprised at how well it works.

Focus your attention onto the sounds around you — environmental sound and ambient noise.

The rules are: no verbalizing anything, no labeling anything, and no judging. Just listen objectively.

Listen to the quality of the sounds. The patterns of pitch. The rhythm.

Is the sound high pitched? Low? Is it sharp? Piercing? Soothing? 

The practice can be hard to grasp, so here’s a 3 minute exercise to walk you through it.

As you practice this tool more (and all the other tools), you start building a toolbox of techniques you can use to come back to the present moment whenever you need to.

Experiment with all 4 and see which one you like the most.

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Extra credit

If you’ve been meditating for awhile, you’ll notice that these are all common meditation practices.

It’s true — meditation trains you to be more present.

If you really want to get better at being present, that’s what meditation can help with.

It’s not hard to get started. It just takes a little bit of practice.