The bully

You suck. You’re terrible. You’re not good at anything.

You really think you can do something like this…?

You don’t deserve this…

This is all you were able to accomplish in the last 6 months…?

Remember the last time you fucked up at that one thing?

This is too hard…

Etc…Etc…

The mind can be a bully sometimes.

It tells us how bad we are. It scares us. Shames us. 

It tells us stories about why we can’t or why we shouldn’t or why others think we can’t.

And sometimes we believe the stories without even realizing.

We believe the thoughts that tell us not to try, the ones that tell us we’re not good enough, or the ones that tell us, “Why bother?”

Here’s a game-changer to try: thoughts are just thoughts. They’re not you, and you don’t have to believe them.

You have a choice not to fall into a rabbit hole of self-deprecation.

You have the option to say, “No. I don’t think that line of thought is valuable for me. I’m going to spend my energy elsewhere.”

With practice, we can decondition the thoughts that have trained us into believing that we can’t do it. 

It’s like building a muscle. It takes effort, but it’s not impossible. 

The method

1. Train to identify when the mind falls into unproductive thought (i.e. self-doubt, anxiety, fear, etc.)
2. Practice not giving into or believing said unproductive thoughts
3. Practice applying this method IRL by:
   1. Exposing yourself to situations that induce those unproductive thoughts and emotions and
   2. Practicing the strategy of not giving into or believing them

Self-doubt happens when we believe (without realizing) all the thoughts and memories swirling through our heads.

“You’re no good.”

“You suck.”

“He obviously hates you.”

“Why do you even try?”

Thoughts are not the problem. 

Believing thoughts is the problem.

If we can train ourselves to identify when we fall into unproductive thinking, we can then practice a response when we fall into those thinking patterns.

Step 1: Foundational practice

Train to identify when the mind falls into unproductive thought (i.e. self-doubt, anxiety, fear, etc.)

This is your core exercise for the muscle of becoming aware of thoughts.

The more you practice, the better you’ll be able to detect when your thoughts fall into unproductive patterns, like self-doubt, fear, or anxiety. 

Here’s the exercise in detail:

1. Sit in a chair. Close your eyes if it feels comfortable.
2. Bring your attention to watching for the first thought that shows up in your mind. See if you can catch it.
3. As soon as you notice a big thought pulling your attention (for example, an argument, a memory, or a conversation), give yourself 1 point. (Like “Ah…I noticed a thought! 1!”)
4. Then, bring your attention back to watching for thoughts.
5. If no thoughts come up, see how long you can stay in this state of no thoughts.
6. Eventually, a thought will come up that will pull your attention. Catch it and give yourself another point.
7. Repeat for 10 points. You can do more sets if you have time. Remember to breathe — focusing can get tiring. 

As you practice this more and more, you start getting familiar with a few things:

1. How often thoughts pull your attention, during meditation and during the day (all the damn time!)
2. The types of thoughts that pull your attention
3. How productive some thoughts are vs. others

Practice this once a day, preferably at the beginning of your day. Like any practice, spending more time on it increases your ability to do this.

Step 2: Make it a habit

We’ll graft these micro exercises onto activities you already to make it easier to make this practice a habit.

1. Pick 3 things that happen everyday for you. We’ll use these events as triggers for your new training habit.

Examples

When I brush my teeth…
When I go to bed…
While I’m waiting in traffic…
When I’m in the bathroom…
During game loading…
The next time I’m waiting in line…
The next time I look at my phone…

2. Your new Tiny Habit over the next week: After I do [each of my 3 activities], I will bring my attention to my thoughts until I catch one thought.

3. Whenever you notice an unproductive thought about yourself (like self-doubt, fear, or anxiety), remember that you don’t have to believe the thought. 

Sometimes, you’ll watch your thoughts and a thought will pop up right away. Cool. 1 point.

Sometimes, you’ll watch your thoughts and no thoughts will come up. This is also cool. Notice what no thoughts feels like.

This is what it’s like to be present.

If you’re “winning” at this game, you’ll catch some thoughts, score some points, and build your focus muscle.

If you’re “losing”, you won’t catch any thoughts (cause you won’t have any thoughts to catch), but you’ll stay present and build your presence muscle instead.

Win = Focus practice. Lose = Presence practice.

This game is win-win.

That’s your habit building exercise. See if you can catch yourself in a thought 3 times a day. Bonus points for catching yourself in an unproductive thought.

Step 3: Use it IRL

Practice applying this method IRL by:

a. Exposing yourself to situations that induce those unproductive thoughts and

b. Practicing not believing the unproductive thoughts

Here’s where you get IRL gains.

During the day, notice where your thoughts go, and aim to catch 1 thought in your day that’s not useful (e.g. self-doubt, fear, or anxiety). 

When you do catch a non-productive thought, make a conscious decision not to believe the thought.

Here are a few examples: 

• When you cringe over some mistake you made in the past and your brain is telling you how terrible of a person you are, you can notice the thought and remember don’t have to believe it. Try coming back to the present instead.
• When you’re thinking about doing something difficult and your brain says “You will suck at this” or “It’s going to be terrible” or “Why do you even try?”, you can notice the thought, realize you don’t have to believe it, and surge forward on the difficult thing instead. You don’t have to let the fearful and anxious side of you dominate what you can or can’t do.

The more you use this in real world situations, the more the skill begins to solidify in your head, and the less likely these self-sabotaging thoughts will have power of you.

You just gotta remember to use it. 

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Recap

1. Foundational Practice — Over the next week, do at least 1 set of watching thoughts a day. Notice when a thought comes up and give yourself a point. Do this for 10 points. More is better — we’re training a muscle and building a habit.
2. Make it a habit — Pick 3 things that happen for you regularly. At the end of each of those things, take a moment and watch your thoughts until a thought comes up. If you notice any unproductive thoughts, practice not believing them.
3. Use it IRL — During the day, look for times when you notice non-useful thoughts coming up. Notice it, acknowledge that the thought is there, and if a non-productive thought comes up (e.g. self-doubt or fear), remember that you don’t have to believe it. Then bring your attention back to whatever you’re focusing on.

As you practice this more and more, you’ll find it easier to notice and shrug off unproductive thoughts (like self-doubt, fear, anger, negativity, resentment, etc.), which might motivate you to practice even more, which will make it easier to notice and shrug off unproductive thoughts. It’s a self-reinforcing feedback loop.

Stay disciplined with your practice, use it IRL, and you will see changes in your thinking patterns.

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Extra credit

Think. Why is it that we’re spending so much emphasis on watching what the mind does? Why is this helpful for combating self-talk and self-doubt?

Using the body. When you fall into unproductive emotions, emotions will also show up in your body as sensations of some kind (e.g. unpleasantness in your chest, buzzing in your arms or back, flushing in your face, etc.). If you have trouble noticing your thoughts, try using your body as a way to tell you when strong, difficult, unproductive emotions are present.