I was traveling with my brother.

The last time we did this must have been years ago, but we had a window of free time to travel together, so we took the opportunity.

He was with his girlfriend this time. We’d all traveled together before, but last time, we didn’t know each other so well, so the normal politeness and niceties were still there.

Now, many months later and after lots of meals together, the dynamic was a bit more raw and unfiltered. It was only day 2 of this trip, and I was already reconsidering whether this trip was the best idea.

It’s not that I hated being around them. Their normal way of being was just different than my normal way of being.

I live an introvert’s life. I like drinking coffee and reading books. I listen to podcasts during drives, and I play games on my pc at night.

They live life slightly louder and slightly more reactive than I do. Jokes and laughter and jabs at each other are common. Reactiveness, anger, and frustration are also common. Sometimes the verbal jabs turn into verbal punches, leaving people around them (like me) wondering whether someone should step in to mediate.

And so, this trip was quite the training ground for me.

As a person who meditates regularly and often, I thought that my mind had been sharpened to the point where nothing could bother me.

Shows how much I know.

Near the end of the day 1 of that trip, I found myself falling into a more and more negative mood. I’d gotten little sleep that day and the travel was taking its toll, sure. And maybe some of the negativity could be chalked up to not meditating that morning.

Regardless, by the end of the day, I noticed a distinct stream of chatter coming from my mind in response to the constant conversation and reactions to reactions (bickering) that they engaged in.

It was somewhat surprising, a bit interesting, and even somewhat amusing to notice.

“Of course you would think that way…”

“Do they ever stop…”

“That’s dumb. No.”

“Why is this conversation even happening…”

It was like I was a teenage boy again, stuck in a car with his parents with nowhere to escape to except his phone and his mind.

But I’m older now, and I’ve learned a few things since then. Of the most valuable of them, the ability to deal with the chattering and negativities of my own mind is one that I come back to often.

The next morning, before we went about our adventuring, I made it a point to get in an hour of meditation.

I was groggy before I started, and my mind had already been reacting negatively to their chatter that morning.

“Oh no…”

“Here we go again…”

But by end of the hour, when I stepped out into the living room to greet them, it was like the internal voice of chatter had magically turned off. It wasn’t really magic — I knew that — but it was definitely an amusing reminder.

“It’s not like you didn’t know meditation does that for you…”

Well, sometimes it’s easy to forget.

Given the challenging practice environment, by the end of the trip, I’d stumbled into and made up a few different ways to come back to the present.

Option #1: Predictions

During one car ride, as I was looking out the window and listening to my brother and his girlfriend’s bickering, my mind started unconsciously predicting how each of them would respond to each other.

“She’ll probably respond negatively here — ah, there it is.”

“He’ll probably jab back harder here — there it is.”

My brain amused itself with these predictions, and more importantly, the old mental reaction of “no, I don’t like how this conversation is going” was replaced instead by “of course this is how it plays out.”

Like practicing acceptance, being able to expect and predict how life plays out freed my mind from resisting what was happening in front of me.

That was freeing.

Option #2: Look around

I forgot this one was an option until late into the second day, probably cause I was spending so much time observing what was going on in my head and trying to figure out how to deal with it.

I’d read about this technique in a few places, and I’d experienced benefits in applying this practice before.

It’s very simple: open your attention to the physical objects around you.

For example, rest your attention on the table in front of you. Notice the details of the surface or the outline of its shape.

Or notice the details of the room around you. The trees, the door, the windows, the ceiling. Something that activates the observation side of your brain.

Try spending 30 seconds to a minute doing this.

When you activate the observational side of your brain (e.g. focusing on your breath, your body’s sensations, or anything in the room), you decrease the amount your brain engages with emotions.

The less your brain engages with emotions, the less misery you cause on yourself by fighting and resisting what’s happening in front of you.

Option #3: Compassion? (or attempting to understand)

During that trip, I started putting a lot of thought into how and why people respond the way they do.

Where does this anger come from? Why do they snap at each other so much?

Habit? Environment? Upbringing? Conditioning? All of the above?

Even though I couldn’t figure out the exact explanation for their bickering, I knew that there had to be some reason for it. I just didn’t know what it was yet.

It’s similar when people respond to a situation with bewilderment:

“I can’t BELIEVE he did that.”

“I don’t understand HOW she could do something like that.”

The thing is, the event happened. Therefore, there IS an explanation for it. You just haven’t put together the pieces yet.

But if you work backwards, if you trace the history of why this person did this outrageous thing (their beliefs, values, and morals, and more importantly, how those beliefs, values, and morals came to be) (that is, when you find out the entire story), there’s a good chance that your response will be “oh…” followed by a possible “aw…”

In that moment, when you come to realize the explanation for all of this person’s anger, their sadness, their unhappiness, and their vitriol, all of your previous anger and frustration and negativity somehow vanish.

And so, even though I didn’t know the exact explanation that caused their personalities to be the way they are, I knew that some way some how, there was an explanation.

This got me out of my head, out of reacting with mental chatter, and more into imagining what life experiences could have possibly conditioned them to respond to life the way they do now. And that was enough to shift my mind towards compassion.

—–

At the end of the day, I want for people to be happy. It’s not always possible, and sometimes, figuring it out for ourselves is the prerequisite for being able to help others do the same.

The stuff above is what helped me on this particular trip, and maybe during your own adventures, you’ll find your own methods that will work for you.

Regardless, keep practicing.